!!deborah64554
Monday, September 28, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
I Can't Understand Why People Like the "Twilight" Series
Hellooo women - thinking it's cool to date a vampire is like thinking it's cool to date a SPIDER ! And it's DEAD !!! It's like thinking about dating A DEAD SPIDER !!! How about real, alive men who DON'T drink blood?
Vampires are gross!!
One of the people in my book club is choosing Bram Stoker's "Dracula" for the October book club. When I heard this I was glad because it's a book I particularly like, in part for the clear way it draws an unmistakable line between that which is good and fine and beautiful, and that which is evil, sick, predatory and loathsome, which stands in utter opposition to life and humanity.
She said, "It's a beautiful love story!" I perked up when I heard this, but I didn't know right then that she was a fan of the Twilight series.
I said, "Oh, yes, it totally is. A beautiful story of love and friendship. I cried many times as I read it, because of the love between the people who have to kill the vampire."
She gave me a Look. She said, "I mean it's a beautiful love story between the vampire and Mina."
WHAT ?!! There isn't any love between Dracula and Mina ! I think she may have confused the book with the movie starring Gary Oldman, where Mina is the exact image of his dead wife. Even then, it's sick. He's dead and he killed her best friend !! And even in the movie Mina didn't want to die or to be with anyone but her fiancee, Jonathan Harker! But in the book there is no hint of this - Dracula goes to London because that is where he has forced Mina's fiancee to prepare the way for him, and out of malignity, he decides to pick on Jonathan Harker's friends and family first. He pretty much polishes off Mina's best friend in a matter of days, and Mina is next - that's all.
How does she get love out of that?
Scarier still, how does she overlook the beautiful love of the friends? First they give their time - leaving their lives in foreign places to come to the aid of the mysteriously fading women. Then they give their blood - blood they put back in the women to keep them alive after the vampire has taken it out in order to sate himself while making them like him. The blood of four strong men is not enough to save Mina's friend, and the vampire takes all of it. Then, already weakened, they give more blood to Mina. Then they give their lives to try and stop the vampire from killing more people.
That is beautiful.
And how does she get this turned around to the degree that the vampire is some kind of romantic hero? Where the friends who had real love gave, all the vampire did was take. He had three more dead women back in Transylvania, so even in that regard what he wanted was a kennel, not a wife!
The grip of the idea of vampires as something cool is unexplainable to me. I think it's pretty frightening that in our culture something like that is perceived as a figure that will desire and protect some poor vulnerable or lonely woman.
I found myself thinking about this the other night when I saw a spider feeding on the insect it had caught. It looked like it was desiring and protecting too - its movements were slow and gentle. But it is like the sick embodiment of greed. It isn't desiring and protecting though its movements appear that way. It is killing the other creature in order to fill itself up.
YUCK.
There is something else about it that is horrible and sad. Like everything truly evil, it is an exact inversion of that which is truly good. The dead, sensual, evil vampire that takes both blood and life, to kill and keep on killing, is the spiritual reverse image of Christ, who gave his blood and died to give life, and to keep on giving life.
Vampires are gross!!One of the people in my book club is choosing Bram Stoker's "Dracula" for the October book club. When I heard this I was glad because it's a book I particularly like, in part for the clear way it draws an unmistakable line between that which is good and fine and beautiful, and that which is evil, sick, predatory and loathsome, which stands in utter opposition to life and humanity.
She said, "It's a beautiful love story!" I perked up when I heard this, but I didn't know right then that she was a fan of the Twilight series.
I said, "Oh, yes, it totally is. A beautiful story of love and friendship. I cried many times as I read it, because of the love between the people who have to kill the vampire."
She gave me a Look. She said, "I mean it's a beautiful love story between the vampire and Mina."
WHAT ?!! There isn't any love between Dracula and Mina ! I think she may have confused the book with the movie starring Gary Oldman, where Mina is the exact image of his dead wife. Even then, it's sick. He's dead and he killed her best friend !! And even in the movie Mina didn't want to die or to be with anyone but her fiancee, Jonathan Harker! But in the book there is no hint of this - Dracula goes to London because that is where he has forced Mina's fiancee to prepare the way for him, and out of malignity, he decides to pick on Jonathan Harker's friends and family first. He pretty much polishes off Mina's best friend in a matter of days, and Mina is next - that's all.
How does she get love out of that?
Scarier still, how does she overlook the beautiful love of the friends? First they give their time - leaving their lives in foreign places to come to the aid of the mysteriously fading women. Then they give their blood - blood they put back in the women to keep them alive after the vampire has taken it out in order to sate himself while making them like him. The blood of four strong men is not enough to save Mina's friend, and the vampire takes all of it. Then, already weakened, they give more blood to Mina. Then they give their lives to try and stop the vampire from killing more people.
That is beautiful.
And how does she get this turned around to the degree that the vampire is some kind of romantic hero? Where the friends who had real love gave, all the vampire did was take. He had three more dead women back in Transylvania, so even in that regard what he wanted was a kennel, not a wife!
The grip of the idea of vampires as something cool is unexplainable to me. I think it's pretty frightening that in our culture something like that is perceived as a figure that will desire and protect some poor vulnerable or lonely woman.
I found myself thinking about this the other night when I saw a spider feeding on the insect it had caught. It looked like it was desiring and protecting too - its movements were slow and gentle. But it is like the sick embodiment of greed. It isn't desiring and protecting though its movements appear that way. It is killing the other creature in order to fill itself up.
YUCK.
There is something else about it that is horrible and sad. Like everything truly evil, it is an exact inversion of that which is truly good. The dead, sensual, evil vampire that takes both blood and life, to kill and keep on killing, is the spiritual reverse image of Christ, who gave his blood and died to give life, and to keep on giving life.
deborah64554
Friday, August 7, 2009
On the Pennsylvania health club shooter
How horrid, my most recent posts are both gruesome!
This is about the Pennsylvania man, George Sodini, who felt rejected by women and decided to walk into a health club shooting to blow some of them away.
Here's a good summary article.
When I talked to women at work, they seemed to feel sorry for the shooter. I did too, a little bit, because it is a fact in our culture that as people age they are noticed less and overlooked more, and also it is very sad to think of how catastrophically lonely it is possible for people to be if they have, as this man apparently did, no friends or family to talk to and keep them from going off the deep end.
The consensus seemed to be that he was a good-looking guy and what happened was unexplainable. But I don't think it's great to stop at such shallow conclusions.
Here is what I think, from reading the news articles and excerpts from the blog he left.
He felt entitled.
He wasn't signed up for a singles service or anything like that. He truly thought that because he was tan, fit and "smelled nice" that women were going to magically appear, do a double take, and hit on him.
He felt entitled to a particular kind of person.
This is my possibly off-base intuition, for what it's worth. Other people remarked that in the picture, he appeared to be a good-looking guy, and I agree. I think there were probably many women who gave him a second look. But I think he only noticed one kind of woman - the kind he thought he should have according to his own estimate of his attractiveness - very beautiful women. Unfortunately for him, that kind of woman is the recipient, not the giver, of wide eyed second looks. I think he ignored women who really did look. I think that for him, those looks never happened because he never saw them or valued them.
George Sodini, Pennsylvania shooter
He had nothing to give.
In his eyes, the qualities that entitled him - tan, fit, etc. - were sufficient to cause and maintain an attraction. He was mystified and angry to see himself surrounded by couples. Reading through, I got the definite idea that he had no clue about relationships needing, first, a risk to form, and then, work to sustain.
He himself was not genuinely attracted to any woman. He wanted to be the object of attraction.
The excerpts from the news and his diary are remarkably free of anything like, "He had a crush on a girl at the grocery store," or "I really like Caroline, that adorable girl over in accounting. I wonder what she would say if I asked her to lunch." He was all inward. He seemed to truly expect to just sit back and fight women off. His longing was all "Notice me," not "Hey, I notice you." He expected to be filled up, but had no true desire strong enough to compel him to actively reach for something he wanted - except his desire for a sick, unjust and misplaced revenge.
And that's too bad, because I don't think I'm the only woman in the world who wants a man to be a man and take the first step - even if it's risky (which is also when it is most admirable and attention-riveting). This guy was willing to look and smell and dress like a man - but not to be one.
He would have had offers of marriage from women via MySpace profile, Facebook, fax and email if he had been in the news for rescuing women in trouble, or children from a burning building, or doing something courageous and good.
Right? Yes! Right!!
But no, he was a creepy psychopath who spent a year thinking about how he was going to kill other people he didn't even know, and then himself.
Maybe women sensed that? Maybe it's not that hard to pick up on!
His final act was the furious selfish violence of an extremely small child who could not make the world fit his preference. Nothing could be less like a man and almost nothing could be less attractive.
So I think pity is appropriate, and compassion also... but to stop there without condemning the habits of thought, selfishness, entitlement that led to the ensuing rage and psychotic desire for revenge, is just not enough.
Also, to accept it as normal male behaviour is to offer a terrible insult to other men who are actually normal - courageous, generous, loving and fine - real men.
This is about the Pennsylvania man, George Sodini, who felt rejected by women and decided to walk into a health club shooting to blow some of them away.
Here's a good summary article.
When I talked to women at work, they seemed to feel sorry for the shooter. I did too, a little bit, because it is a fact in our culture that as people age they are noticed less and overlooked more, and also it is very sad to think of how catastrophically lonely it is possible for people to be if they have, as this man apparently did, no friends or family to talk to and keep them from going off the deep end.
The consensus seemed to be that he was a good-looking guy and what happened was unexplainable. But I don't think it's great to stop at such shallow conclusions.
Here is what I think, from reading the news articles and excerpts from the blog he left.
He felt entitled.
He wasn't signed up for a singles service or anything like that. He truly thought that because he was tan, fit and "smelled nice" that women were going to magically appear, do a double take, and hit on him.
He felt entitled to a particular kind of person.
This is my possibly off-base intuition, for what it's worth. Other people remarked that in the picture, he appeared to be a good-looking guy, and I agree. I think there were probably many women who gave him a second look. But I think he only noticed one kind of woman - the kind he thought he should have according to his own estimate of his attractiveness - very beautiful women. Unfortunately for him, that kind of woman is the recipient, not the giver, of wide eyed second looks. I think he ignored women who really did look. I think that for him, those looks never happened because he never saw them or valued them.
George Sodini, Pennsylvania shooterHe had nothing to give.
In his eyes, the qualities that entitled him - tan, fit, etc. - were sufficient to cause and maintain an attraction. He was mystified and angry to see himself surrounded by couples. Reading through, I got the definite idea that he had no clue about relationships needing, first, a risk to form, and then, work to sustain.
He himself was not genuinely attracted to any woman. He wanted to be the object of attraction.
The excerpts from the news and his diary are remarkably free of anything like, "He had a crush on a girl at the grocery store," or "I really like Caroline, that adorable girl over in accounting. I wonder what she would say if I asked her to lunch." He was all inward. He seemed to truly expect to just sit back and fight women off. His longing was all "Notice me," not "Hey, I notice you." He expected to be filled up, but had no true desire strong enough to compel him to actively reach for something he wanted - except his desire for a sick, unjust and misplaced revenge.
And that's too bad, because I don't think I'm the only woman in the world who wants a man to be a man and take the first step - even if it's risky (which is also when it is most admirable and attention-riveting). This guy was willing to look and smell and dress like a man - but not to be one.
He would have had offers of marriage from women via MySpace profile, Facebook, fax and email if he had been in the news for rescuing women in trouble, or children from a burning building, or doing something courageous and good.
Right? Yes! Right!!
But no, he was a creepy psychopath who spent a year thinking about how he was going to kill other people he didn't even know, and then himself.
Maybe women sensed that? Maybe it's not that hard to pick up on!
His final act was the furious selfish violence of an extremely small child who could not make the world fit his preference. Nothing could be less like a man and almost nothing could be less attractive.
So I think pity is appropriate, and compassion also... but to stop there without condemning the habits of thought, selfishness, entitlement that led to the ensuing rage and psychotic desire for revenge, is just not enough.
Also, to accept it as normal male behaviour is to offer a terrible insult to other men who are actually normal - courageous, generous, loving and fine - real men.
deborah64554
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Bank of America Branding Oops !!
When I first saw this I thought it was a signage mistake at just one branch. But no - Bank of America wants us to think something new when we are driving by! What's your guess as to the target message??
A branch in downtown Los Altos displaying the new, confused branding!
1) We're in the red!
2) We're going down in flames!
3) Help - we can't find our LOGO! Can you?
4) Our VP of marketing is color blind!
A branch in downtown Los Altos displaying the new, confused branding!
1) We're in the red!
2) We're going down in flames!
3) Help - we can't find our LOGO! Can you?
4) Our VP of marketing is color blind!
deborah64554
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Open post to politicians
I loathe McCain and the whole dirty business of the entire republican party.
But, I am voting for McCain because to me there is one issue so important, it overrides the personality of the candidates, the repulsive recent history and direction of the Republican party, the disgusting and unjustified war in Iraq, our ruined economy and staggering future tax burden to rescue bankers from the effects of their appalling greed for short-term personal gain and prestige at the expense of true long-term health for their businesses, and (include predictable long list well covered by recent media).
I don't want to. But, here is the issue:
One party limits abortion. One party does not. I think abortion kills a human being. To me, murder and the weak, selfish excuses for making it legal trump anything on the above list. That is also why I voted George Bush, although I recognized well before the actual election that his greatest skills were in manipulating the media, and in the 2000 election, I believed Gore to have been by far the better leader.
Democrats, are you listening?
But, I am voting for McCain because to me there is one issue so important, it overrides the personality of the candidates, the repulsive recent history and direction of the Republican party, the disgusting and unjustified war in Iraq, our ruined economy and staggering future tax burden to rescue bankers from the effects of their appalling greed for short-term personal gain and prestige at the expense of true long-term health for their businesses, and (include predictable long list well covered by recent media).
I don't want to. But, here is the issue:
One party limits abortion. One party does not. I think abortion kills a human being. To me, murder and the weak, selfish excuses for making it legal trump anything on the above list. That is also why I voted George Bush, although I recognized well before the actual election that his greatest skills were in manipulating the media, and in the 2000 election, I believed Gore to have been by far the better leader.
Democrats, are you listening?
deborah64554
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Updates on previous posts
The fate of the start up
Four more people have left, one of them a key engineer. PM is now completely empty. One of the not-very-effective VPs moved back to Los Angeles, where she supposedly is still working for the company. The executives elected to do something they said they would never do - they had the UI engineers create a "spam" site that is 90% ads, that conveniently look like legitimate product links. Although they were supposedly going to try to "protect" the brand by "disguising" that it was actually a site run by our company, it is tremendously obvious to me when I look at it that the good site and the bad site are driven by the same engine and UI layout.
For about two months, the site's traffic soared, but page views went to less than 2 per user. The traffic was bought, according to my friends who are still there, and none of it was from an increase in repeat users - so clicks bounced on the first page. Two weeks ago the bought traffic ran out, and the site's statistics went right back down to true traffic (users who came to the site on purpose), a number that appears to be exactly the same as a month after launch according to Alexa. This means true traffic appears not to have increased since a month after launch.
It is really amazing to me that the investors aren't asking the executives some pointed questions. Millions of dollars have been drained and a total of around $20 million will run out in January. Basically, the CEO used investors' money to do business favors (like hire smooth-talking friends for extremely high salaries and very nice vacation, work-from-home, and paid-for housing packages) and to solidify his network. Anyone who could have actually studied, planned and implemented strategies for making the site work better and be more user friendly is gone, because the CEO didn't care about those things.
The mallard by the pool
He's still there and quite sleekly plump on snails. Apparently this happens every year - different year, different duck.
deborah64554
Four more people have left, one of them a key engineer. PM is now completely empty. One of the not-very-effective VPs moved back to Los Angeles, where she supposedly is still working for the company. The executives elected to do something they said they would never do - they had the UI engineers create a "spam" site that is 90% ads, that conveniently look like legitimate product links. Although they were supposedly going to try to "protect" the brand by "disguising" that it was actually a site run by our company, it is tremendously obvious to me when I look at it that the good site and the bad site are driven by the same engine and UI layout.
For about two months, the site's traffic soared, but page views went to less than 2 per user. The traffic was bought, according to my friends who are still there, and none of it was from an increase in repeat users - so clicks bounced on the first page. Two weeks ago the bought traffic ran out, and the site's statistics went right back down to true traffic (users who came to the site on purpose), a number that appears to be exactly the same as a month after launch according to Alexa. This means true traffic appears not to have increased since a month after launch.
It is really amazing to me that the investors aren't asking the executives some pointed questions. Millions of dollars have been drained and a total of around $20 million will run out in January. Basically, the CEO used investors' money to do business favors (like hire smooth-talking friends for extremely high salaries and very nice vacation, work-from-home, and paid-for housing packages) and to solidify his network. Anyone who could have actually studied, planned and implemented strategies for making the site work better and be more user friendly is gone, because the CEO didn't care about those things.
The mallard by the pool
He's still there and quite sleekly plump on snails. Apparently this happens every year - different year, different duck.
deborah64554
Sunday, April 20, 2008
random thoughts in April
On a little boy at the Hostel in Los Altos
On beautiful days, I like to take my beautiful horse to the hostel in Los Altos. It is a pleasant ride from the barn with many stretches that are just right for a gallop through the trees, and once we get to the hostel, it is very rewarding for both of us the way little children will react to Sasha, who is gray, very prancy, and always gentle, especially with children.
Most children over the age of four really like to pet him. Many haven't seen a horse close up before, and even though they may be timid, Sasha arches his head down and looks at them with his large brown eyes, and they automatically stretch out a hand to pet his nose. Some get so delighted that they hang all over his legs.
Some, though, remain timid. I don't blame them - Sasha is definitely large - and very small children under the age of four almost never want to pet him. In fact they look worried and upset, so I am usually very careful to keep him standing back unless they really want to touch him.
A normal sized adult's view of my gentle and adorable horse
Saturday, a chilly day here, there were not as many families as usual in the hostel park, so I was happy to see that a small boy had stopped and was staring at Sasha as he held his nanny's hand. He appeared to be about 6, although on the short side for that age, with very curly brown hair and large brown eyes. I brought Sasha up, and Sasha characteristically arched his neck and bent his nose down, to look at the child and make it easy for the boy to pet him. Sasha isn't pushy and doesn't ever come closer than invited.
But the little boy was very suspicious. He said, "What is he chewing on?"
"He is chewing on his bit, just as you would chew on bubble gum."
The little boy said with still more suspicion, "He has very big teeth."
I did not know what to say to this and was balancing Sasha to prevent him from accidentally stepping closer.
Suddenly the little boy said with decisive dislike, "I don't want to pet him."
How Sasha looks from the view of a small child - much too big!!! (These pictures are from a Motorola Razr - don't get a Razr if you want good pics)
The nanny glanced at me as though I might be offended, but I wasn't. It is not the most common response, but it is not uncommon either. I pulled Sasha up away from the boy. That is when the startling thing happened.
The little boy demanded angrily, "Does he belong here?"
I reponded, "He belongs to me. He lives across the street, and horses are welcome on the hostel trails."
But I thought about it on and off for the rest of my ride. The child could not have been more than six, but already he had a view of the world that could make his existence in it a tremendously unpleasant one: If you fear something, look for a rule to make it go away so it can not bother you any more.
That view is subtle and deadly. It means the answer to your fear must be found in a rule, and not in yourself. It short circuits the possibility that the person who holds it will choose to examine their fear and meet it. It is the definition of a Pharisee: a person who relies deeply on laws and uses them to destroy any threat. Relying on rules, the Pharisees protected themselves behind a wall so stubbornly solid, even Jesus could not penetrate it. Then, because Jesus made them uncomfortable in their citadel of rules, they killed Him.
I prayed for the little boy at Mass today, but it is the first time I really see how clearly the mindset works. That it can exist so definitely in one so young disturbs me.
On a young family at Mass
At Mass I was standing in line for confession. Usually I am somewhere closer to the front of the church, so I had an opportunity to see people I haven't seen before. I found myself watching a young family; a handsome caucasian man, his very beautiful Chinese wife, and their infant.
The wife was very much absorbed with the baby. At first it was lovely to watch, the way she gently fussed over it, looking into its face and responding to every movement. But something began to bother me. I saw that she never looked at her husband. She never lifted her eyes from the baby, even though her husband glanced over at them several times. He even leaned forward and began to fan them both (it was warm in the church), and even then she did not turn her attention from the infant even to glance up. It was as if only the baby existed.
I began to think it was very revealing that when they sat down, she put the baby to her left, while her husband was sitting to the right. Since she was in charge of the carrier, she could have put it between them, but she didn't. She put it on the other side of herself, so that she could pay attention to it only. I saw too that this meant the husband could not really see or interact with the baby. His experience of his child was that he was getting used to seeing his wife's back, and this view also blocked out his access to the baby. This could become very symbolic of his future relationship with his child.
I prayed for them, too. But I wondered how anyone could be so stupid - she seems very much to blame. Children thrive in families where the marriage of the parents is loving and strong. They may be satisfied in a family where they are the favorite of one at the expense of the other, but that is not truly a healthy family relationship and not truly to the benefit of any child. It was sad to see that the wife was so completely absorbed in the baby, that she was certainly neglecting and damaging the more important relationship with her husband. It was sad to watch some of the damage going deeper, right in front of my eyes.
On deep-down things that take a long time to heal
These posts seem to be all mysteriously related.
Now and then in my life I become suddenly and vividly aware of things in myself that are damaging me. The process usually goes something like this.
(For a long time) I have an issue with (insert issue). I am aware that it is an issue, that my reactions when it is triggered are not normal.
(After a long time) I wonder if I can change this issue. Maybe I can see it coming when it is about to be triggered, and then I will not have such a damaging reaction.
(After a while of attempting to see it coming and responding more appropriately) No, that doesn't work. Even when it seems to sort of work, it's just a band-aid. I need something that goes deeper.
(Just before my eyes really seem to open) I'm frustrated. It just happened again! Oh, it's hopeless!! I can't control it, even though I know it's there. Maybe I should pray about it. I wonder if God will help me.
(Usually within a few hours of prayer) Oh, wow. This issue is much bigger than I imagined. I see now that (insert issue) is inside of me even on a far deeper level than I actually really even already recognized. This calls for extra super help. I wonder if I go to confession, if I can get some extra grace to deal with it. I think maybe I will do that. It would be so great if God would help me with it...
(In the car on the way to confession) No, this isn't a matter for confession. You can solve it yourself! Don't confess that. Confess these other things, but not that. Ugh!! But I can't solve it by myself, I already know that. Wow, this thing is so huge, I am starting to see that it has affected much more of my life than I realized. No, I need help. I will confess it. Wow, I can sort of even see how this issue forced me to damage not just myself, but others too...
(In line for confession) A stone, that was in the reading today. Yes, this is just like a stone. It's like a huge stone in my soul. God can't be where it is, He has had to work around it all this time. Whoa, I seriously need Him to help me with this. Oh, thank God that I decided to come to confession. Now I can get the help I have really needed, for all this time.
(After confession) Wow. I feel peaceful in a place inside of myself that has hurt all these years. I can't remember ever feeling good in that place before. This probably won't be easy, but now I really see the whole problem in a way I never did before. Now that I've told God about it, He's going to help me with it. This will be hard, but I want this boulder in my heart to be gone. I will keep praying about it until it is.
What the soul does not see until later is how much God guided it through this process. I always think that God's surgery will be so painful, with no anesthesia and plenty of screaming, and always instead it is gentle and clean.
My issue this particular time is that in my family, love is not free. It is given only in return for work and favors. When I was very young, I would do extraordinary things to try to earn this very difficult-to-win love: I would do chores all weekend, I would surprise my parents with rooms that were cleaned, vacuumed and polished, and with birthday gifts that usually included my making meals and washing cars for at least a month.
That is a tremendous amount of work for a child to do, and I didn't just do it, I tried very hard to do it perfectly. (Later in my teens, I was fired from a sandwich shop for taking too long to make sandwiches - I was trying to make them perfectly.) Still, if I failed in any way at any task, the love was revoked. Even as a debit-and-credit system, it didn't work fairly or well. But that is what I grew up with, and it has damaged and is damaging my relationships in the professional world, where the credit-and-debit system of approval and acceptance (cheap substitutes that pass for love) is alive and well and wreaking tremendous havoc. I remember reading a Dilbert cartoon, years back, that alluded to it. I laughed, but I didn't think it was funny at all.
But maybe now I can heal.
On beautiful days, I like to take my beautiful horse to the hostel in Los Altos. It is a pleasant ride from the barn with many stretches that are just right for a gallop through the trees, and once we get to the hostel, it is very rewarding for both of us the way little children will react to Sasha, who is gray, very prancy, and always gentle, especially with children.
Most children over the age of four really like to pet him. Many haven't seen a horse close up before, and even though they may be timid, Sasha arches his head down and looks at them with his large brown eyes, and they automatically stretch out a hand to pet his nose. Some get so delighted that they hang all over his legs.
Some, though, remain timid. I don't blame them - Sasha is definitely large - and very small children under the age of four almost never want to pet him. In fact they look worried and upset, so I am usually very careful to keep him standing back unless they really want to touch him.
A normal sized adult's view of my gentle and adorable horse
Saturday, a chilly day here, there were not as many families as usual in the hostel park, so I was happy to see that a small boy had stopped and was staring at Sasha as he held his nanny's hand. He appeared to be about 6, although on the short side for that age, with very curly brown hair and large brown eyes. I brought Sasha up, and Sasha characteristically arched his neck and bent his nose down, to look at the child and make it easy for the boy to pet him. Sasha isn't pushy and doesn't ever come closer than invited.
But the little boy was very suspicious. He said, "What is he chewing on?"
"He is chewing on his bit, just as you would chew on bubble gum."
The little boy said with still more suspicion, "He has very big teeth."
I did not know what to say to this and was balancing Sasha to prevent him from accidentally stepping closer.
Suddenly the little boy said with decisive dislike, "I don't want to pet him."
How Sasha looks from the view of a small child - much too big!!! (These pictures are from a Motorola Razr - don't get a Razr if you want good pics)
The nanny glanced at me as though I might be offended, but I wasn't. It is not the most common response, but it is not uncommon either. I pulled Sasha up away from the boy. That is when the startling thing happened.
The little boy demanded angrily, "Does he belong here?"
I reponded, "He belongs to me. He lives across the street, and horses are welcome on the hostel trails."
But I thought about it on and off for the rest of my ride. The child could not have been more than six, but already he had a view of the world that could make his existence in it a tremendously unpleasant one: If you fear something, look for a rule to make it go away so it can not bother you any more.
That view is subtle and deadly. It means the answer to your fear must be found in a rule, and not in yourself. It short circuits the possibility that the person who holds it will choose to examine their fear and meet it. It is the definition of a Pharisee: a person who relies deeply on laws and uses them to destroy any threat. Relying on rules, the Pharisees protected themselves behind a wall so stubbornly solid, even Jesus could not penetrate it. Then, because Jesus made them uncomfortable in their citadel of rules, they killed Him.
I prayed for the little boy at Mass today, but it is the first time I really see how clearly the mindset works. That it can exist so definitely in one so young disturbs me.
On a young family at Mass
At Mass I was standing in line for confession. Usually I am somewhere closer to the front of the church, so I had an opportunity to see people I haven't seen before. I found myself watching a young family; a handsome caucasian man, his very beautiful Chinese wife, and their infant.
The wife was very much absorbed with the baby. At first it was lovely to watch, the way she gently fussed over it, looking into its face and responding to every movement. But something began to bother me. I saw that she never looked at her husband. She never lifted her eyes from the baby, even though her husband glanced over at them several times. He even leaned forward and began to fan them both (it was warm in the church), and even then she did not turn her attention from the infant even to glance up. It was as if only the baby existed.
I began to think it was very revealing that when they sat down, she put the baby to her left, while her husband was sitting to the right. Since she was in charge of the carrier, she could have put it between them, but she didn't. She put it on the other side of herself, so that she could pay attention to it only. I saw too that this meant the husband could not really see or interact with the baby. His experience of his child was that he was getting used to seeing his wife's back, and this view also blocked out his access to the baby. This could become very symbolic of his future relationship with his child.
I prayed for them, too. But I wondered how anyone could be so stupid - she seems very much to blame. Children thrive in families where the marriage of the parents is loving and strong. They may be satisfied in a family where they are the favorite of one at the expense of the other, but that is not truly a healthy family relationship and not truly to the benefit of any child. It was sad to see that the wife was so completely absorbed in the baby, that she was certainly neglecting and damaging the more important relationship with her husband. It was sad to watch some of the damage going deeper, right in front of my eyes.
On deep-down things that take a long time to heal
These posts seem to be all mysteriously related.
Now and then in my life I become suddenly and vividly aware of things in myself that are damaging me. The process usually goes something like this.
(For a long time) I have an issue with (insert issue). I am aware that it is an issue, that my reactions when it is triggered are not normal.
(After a long time) I wonder if I can change this issue. Maybe I can see it coming when it is about to be triggered, and then I will not have such a damaging reaction.
(After a while of attempting to see it coming and responding more appropriately) No, that doesn't work. Even when it seems to sort of work, it's just a band-aid. I need something that goes deeper.
(Just before my eyes really seem to open) I'm frustrated. It just happened again! Oh, it's hopeless!! I can't control it, even though I know it's there. Maybe I should pray about it. I wonder if God will help me.
(Usually within a few hours of prayer) Oh, wow. This issue is much bigger than I imagined. I see now that (insert issue) is inside of me even on a far deeper level than I actually really even already recognized. This calls for extra super help. I wonder if I go to confession, if I can get some extra grace to deal with it. I think maybe I will do that. It would be so great if God would help me with it...
(In the car on the way to confession) No, this isn't a matter for confession. You can solve it yourself! Don't confess that. Confess these other things, but not that. Ugh!! But I can't solve it by myself, I already know that. Wow, this thing is so huge, I am starting to see that it has affected much more of my life than I realized. No, I need help. I will confess it. Wow, I can sort of even see how this issue forced me to damage not just myself, but others too...
(In line for confession) A stone, that was in the reading today. Yes, this is just like a stone. It's like a huge stone in my soul. God can't be where it is, He has had to work around it all this time. Whoa, I seriously need Him to help me with this. Oh, thank God that I decided to come to confession. Now I can get the help I have really needed, for all this time.
(After confession) Wow. I feel peaceful in a place inside of myself that has hurt all these years. I can't remember ever feeling good in that place before. This probably won't be easy, but now I really see the whole problem in a way I never did before. Now that I've told God about it, He's going to help me with it. This will be hard, but I want this boulder in my heart to be gone. I will keep praying about it until it is.
What the soul does not see until later is how much God guided it through this process. I always think that God's surgery will be so painful, with no anesthesia and plenty of screaming, and always instead it is gentle and clean.
My issue this particular time is that in my family, love is not free. It is given only in return for work and favors. When I was very young, I would do extraordinary things to try to earn this very difficult-to-win love: I would do chores all weekend, I would surprise my parents with rooms that were cleaned, vacuumed and polished, and with birthday gifts that usually included my making meals and washing cars for at least a month.
That is a tremendous amount of work for a child to do, and I didn't just do it, I tried very hard to do it perfectly. (Later in my teens, I was fired from a sandwich shop for taking too long to make sandwiches - I was trying to make them perfectly.) Still, if I failed in any way at any task, the love was revoked. Even as a debit-and-credit system, it didn't work fairly or well. But that is what I grew up with, and it has damaged and is damaging my relationships in the professional world, where the credit-and-debit system of approval and acceptance (cheap substitutes that pass for love) is alive and well and wreaking tremendous havoc. I remember reading a Dilbert cartoon, years back, that alluded to it. I laughed, but I didn't think it was funny at all.
But maybe now I can heal.
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