On beautiful days, I like to take my beautiful horse to the hostel in Los Altos. It is a pleasant ride from the barn with many stretches that are just right for a gallop through the trees, and once we get to the hostel, it is very rewarding for both of us the way little children will react to Sasha, who is gray, very prancy, and always gentle, especially with children.
Most children over the age of four really like to pet him. Many haven't seen a horse close up before, and even though they may be timid, Sasha arches his head down and looks at them with his large brown eyes, and they automatically stretch out a hand to pet his nose. Some get so delighted that they hang all over his legs.
Some, though, remain timid. I don't blame them - Sasha is definitely large - and very small children under the age of four almost never want to pet him. In fact they look worried and upset, so I am usually very careful to keep him standing back unless they really want to touch him.
A normal sized adult's view of my gentle and adorable horse
Saturday, a chilly day here, there were not as many families as usual in the hostel park, so I was happy to see that a small boy had stopped and was staring at Sasha as he held his nanny's hand. He appeared to be about 6, although on the short side for that age, with very curly brown hair and large brown eyes. I brought Sasha up, and Sasha characteristically arched his neck and bent his nose down, to look at the child and make it easy for the boy to pet him. Sasha isn't pushy and doesn't ever come closer than invited.
But the little boy was very suspicious. He said, "What is he chewing on?"
"He is chewing on his bit, just as you would chew on bubble gum."
The little boy said with still more suspicion, "He has very big teeth."
I did not know what to say to this and was balancing Sasha to prevent him from accidentally stepping closer.
Suddenly the little boy said with decisive dislike, "I don't want to pet him."
How Sasha looks from the view of a small child - much too big!!! (These pictures are from a Motorola Razr - don't get a Razr if you want good pics)
The nanny glanced at me as though I might be offended, but I wasn't. It is not the most common response, but it is not uncommon either. I pulled Sasha up away from the boy. That is when the startling thing happened.
The little boy demanded angrily, "Does he belong here?"
I reponded, "He belongs to me. He lives across the street, and horses are welcome on the hostel trails."
But I thought about it on and off for the rest of my ride. The child could not have been more than six, but already he had a view of the world that could make his existence in it a tremendously unpleasant one: If you fear something, look for a rule to make it go away so it can not bother you any more.
That view is subtle and deadly. It means the answer to your fear must be found in a rule, and not in yourself. It short circuits the possibility that the person who holds it will choose to examine their fear and meet it. It is the definition of a Pharisee: a person who relies deeply on laws and uses them to destroy any threat. Relying on rules, the Pharisees protected themselves behind a wall so stubbornly solid, even Jesus could not penetrate it. Then, because Jesus made them uncomfortable in their citadel of rules, they killed Him.
I prayed for the little boy at Mass today, but it is the first time I really see how clearly the mindset works. That it can exist so definitely in one so young disturbs me.
On a young family at Mass
At Mass I was standing in line for confession. Usually I am somewhere closer to the front of the church, so I had an opportunity to see people I haven't seen before. I found myself watching a young family; a handsome caucasian man, his very beautiful Chinese wife, and their infant.
The wife was very much absorbed with the baby. At first it was lovely to watch, the way she gently fussed over it, looking into its face and responding to every movement. But something began to bother me. I saw that she never looked at her husband. She never lifted her eyes from the baby, even though her husband glanced over at them several times. He even leaned forward and began to fan them both (it was warm in the church), and even then she did not turn her attention from the infant even to glance up. It was as if only the baby existed.
I began to think it was very revealing that when they sat down, she put the baby to her left, while her husband was sitting to the right. Since she was in charge of the carrier, she could have put it between them, but she didn't. She put it on the other side of herself, so that she could pay attention to it only. I saw too that this meant the husband could not really see or interact with the baby. His experience of his child was that he was getting used to seeing his wife's back, and this view also blocked out his access to the baby. This could become very symbolic of his future relationship with his child.
I prayed for them, too. But I wondered how anyone could be so stupid - she seems very much to blame. Children thrive in families where the marriage of the parents is loving and strong. They may be satisfied in a family where they are the favorite of one at the expense of the other, but that is not truly a healthy family relationship and not truly to the benefit of any child. It was sad to see that the wife was so completely absorbed in the baby, that she was certainly neglecting and damaging the more important relationship with her husband. It was sad to watch some of the damage going deeper, right in front of my eyes.
On deep-down things that take a long time to heal
These posts seem to be all mysteriously related.
Now and then in my life I become suddenly and vividly aware of things in myself that are damaging me. The process usually goes something like this.
(For a long time) I have an issue with (insert issue). I am aware that it is an issue, that my reactions when it is triggered are not normal.
(After a long time) I wonder if I can change this issue. Maybe I can see it coming when it is about to be triggered, and then I will not have such a damaging reaction.
(After a while of attempting to see it coming and responding more appropriately) No, that doesn't work. Even when it seems to sort of work, it's just a band-aid. I need something that goes deeper.
(Just before my eyes really seem to open) I'm frustrated. It just happened again! Oh, it's hopeless!! I can't control it, even though I know it's there. Maybe I should pray about it. I wonder if God will help me.
(Usually within a few hours of prayer) Oh, wow. This issue is much bigger than I imagined. I see now that (insert issue) is inside of me even on a far deeper level than I actually really even already recognized. This calls for extra super help. I wonder if I go to confession, if I can get some extra grace to deal with it. I think maybe I will do that. It would be so great if God would help me with it...
(In the car on the way to confession) No, this isn't a matter for confession. You can solve it yourself! Don't confess that. Confess these other things, but not that. Ugh!! But I can't solve it by myself, I already know that. Wow, this thing is so huge, I am starting to see that it has affected much more of my life than I realized. No, I need help. I will confess it. Wow, I can sort of even see how this issue forced me to damage not just myself, but others too...
(In line for confession) A stone, that was in the reading today. Yes, this is just like a stone. It's like a huge stone in my soul. God can't be where it is, He has had to work around it all this time. Whoa, I seriously need Him to help me with this. Oh, thank God that I decided to come to confession. Now I can get the help I have really needed, for all this time.
(After confession) Wow. I feel peaceful in a place inside of myself that has hurt all these years. I can't remember ever feeling good in that place before. This probably won't be easy, but now I really see the whole problem in a way I never did before. Now that I've told God about it, He's going to help me with it. This will be hard, but I want this boulder in my heart to be gone. I will keep praying about it until it is.
What the soul does not see until later is how much God guided it through this process. I always think that God's surgery will be so painful, with no anesthesia and plenty of screaming, and always instead it is gentle and clean.
My issue this particular time is that in my family, love is not free. It is given only in return for work and favors. When I was very young, I would do extraordinary things to try to earn this very difficult-to-win love: I would do chores all weekend, I would surprise my parents with rooms that were cleaned, vacuumed and polished, and with birthday gifts that usually included my making meals and washing cars for at least a month.
That is a tremendous amount of work for a child to do, and I didn't just do it, I tried very hard to do it perfectly. (Later in my teens, I was fired from a sandwich shop for taking too long to make sandwiches - I was trying to make them perfectly.) Still, if I failed in any way at any task, the love was revoked. Even as a debit-and-credit system, it didn't work fairly or well. But that is what I grew up with, and it has damaged and is damaging my relationships in the professional world, where the credit-and-debit system of approval and acceptance (cheap substitutes that pass for love) is alive and well and wreaking tremendous havoc. I remember reading a Dilbert cartoon, years back, that alluded to it. I laughed, but I didn't think it was funny at all.
But maybe now I can heal.
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