I watched this eclipse, just like the one in October, only more comfortably this time since I could see it from inside my kitchen and also it reached full eclipse around 7:30 pm instead of 2:15 am. Both times I have been surprised by the effect - it is not as dramatic as I expected, since it happens so slowly, but it does look creepy and it creates a feeling that things are not right. It doesn't look black or red or anything, but it looks smudged, dark and wrong. That's not how it's supposed to look.
I can't say I personally feel like committing a crime, but I do feel unusually low, like I am under a shadow or something, just like the moon.
My new job is stressful. I really love it, and the people I work with too, but I feel very isolated there, and also isolated in general. A huge part of my job is trying to whip a new product into shape, that was developed by new partners and launched the day after I started without a visual or UI designer EVER having looked at it. It's a mess, one that self-perpetuates, because as soon as I fix something, the developers add something new and wreck my dev environment while simultaneously perpetuating old design errors into new features. I spend hours just trying to get my dev to work. And, it's in Ruby on Rails - I recognize the elegance of the model, but as a designer who's been thrown into it without warning, it's been like climbing Mount Everest without oxygen or even a sweater. I would truly feel a burst of rich, extreme happiness if I could blow it up and watch it burn. Meanwhile, the product is exposed to clients and actively being promoted and sold.
The rest of my job is supporting marketing (Seattle marketing guy is unhappy - he got cut short on approving a trade show campaign that I stayed up all night to concept and design, and then stayed at work 4 hours late to get to production on time) and improving design and UI for our core product. No visual or UI designer has ever looked at that either, but the core engineers who have been with the company are more savvy in that area so it's not as bad.
However, everyone wants a redesign and I have one day to prepare one for presentation. I may well stay up all night for that, too... it's overwhelming. After a weekend of sleep plus an extra day I was super energetic yesterday, but today that's all gone.
Anyway, that's enough talking about my job. Maybe it only seems so overwhelming today. I wish I had a boyfriend to talk about it with. I envy my friends who do. I hate having to handle everything by myself. It would really help if a real human voice told me not to try so hard or stress so much.
There was a ton of rain yesterday and today. I am very glad because there will be water in the streams and blackberries on the paths, and a good crop of cherries this summer just in reach from the back of my lovely horse. But it's very muddy out at the barn right now. Last night when I went out our barn manager was there in the dark, working with the groom to try to get the tractor unstuck from the mud. They had to leave it there although they worked several hours.
I feel like nothing is very good today. It's not true!! I have the most beautiful horse in the world, who is also the most gentle - he looks exactly like a merry go round horse, but like someone scaled him up to twice the size. I could never have imagined any more wonderful horse to dream of owning and having the right to ride whenever I want, through such beautiful trails and land. And to have the right to gallop and jump, as many times as he's game for.
My darling crippled kitty is still alive, healthy at the age of 13, friendly, happy and loving. I just noticed again this morning what bubbling, happy, pleasing, glad noises he makes all the time.
I used to dream of opening my closet and seeing more beautiful clothes than I could ever have once thought of. (Actual dreams, not figurative). When I was six, my Mom got three outfits for me from Goodwill... I remember being so excited and hopeful, that the lovely white shirt hanging by a hanger on the doorknob in our kitchen might be for me. I didn't want to ask because I was pretty sure I had done nothing special to deserve a gift - it had to be for someone else. In highschool, the children in my family each got $100 to spend on clothes. For the entire year! Now, when I look in my closet, it truly is full of beautiful clothes. In fact, there's pretty much no room left, and every piece is completely lovely, perfect for me and the exact right size. I have work clothes, casual clothes, casual work clothes, dating clothes, and even really nice pajamas and underthings and several pieces of seasonal formal wear. I have two soft wool scarves! And even a respectable suite of riding clothes.
Almost every childhood dream I ever had has been more than fulfilled with something better than I could have imagined.
And I'm Catholic - that is truly the best gift. People who have gone from unbelief to belief know what I mean. The difference between before and after really is like the difference between dead and alive. I'm certainly much more likely to stay alive than I was prior to conversion! I didn't even expect to make it into my thirties.
It doesn't seem right to feel down. I hope it is the eclipse.
In the last few months I've had several anxiety dreams about the moon. It blows up - to the immense horror, astonishment and dread of everyone on Earth (although most people do not notice right away). Sometimes it is because something struck it, and sometimes it is because attacking aliens blow it up before anyone realizes what is happening. Sometimes there is no obvious reason. It is always unbelievably horrible and dreadful. The shock is followed by the immediate realization that:
- The pieces will strike the Earth, causing catastrophic damage
- Earth's gravity will be thrown off and the resulting displacement may kill all life
- Now the moon is gone and I'll never see it again shining up in the sky in its phases, and it was beautiful and lovely for all ages
- hey, there was just another siren outside - that's four tonight
Usually I associate these dreams with some unidentified huge issue in my life that has the capability to darken and destroy it. But whatever this issue is or has been, or if it's the same each time or if it changes, I've never figured out.
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